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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Children
Going
Nursing
Choose
Nice
Home

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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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