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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Choose
Nice
Home
Children
Going
Nursing

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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What a nice night for an evening.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright