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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nursing
Choose
Nice
Home
Children
Going
More quotes by Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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