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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Home
Children
Going
Nursing
Choose
Nice

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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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