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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nursing
Choose
Nice
Home
Children
Going

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright