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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nursing
Choose
Nice
Home
Children
Going

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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