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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nice
Home
Children
Going
Nursing
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More quotes by Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright