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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nursing
Choose
Nice
Home
Children
Going
More quotes by Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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