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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Guy
Toys
Funny
Store
Kids
Stores
Train
Asked
Humor
Comedy
Went
Schedules

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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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