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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Store
Kids
Stores
Train
Asked
Humor
Comedy
Went
Schedules
Guy
Toys
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
