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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Store
Kids
Stores
Train
Asked
Humor
Comedy
Went
Schedules
Guy
Toys
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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