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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Books
Purpose
Funny
Book
Children
Crafts
Wrote
More quotes by Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
