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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Books
Purpose
Funny
Book
Children
Crafts
Wrote
More quotes by Steven Wright
Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
