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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Left
Thinking
Indy
Earlier
Watched
Fast

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright