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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Left
Thinking
Indy
Earlier
Watched
Fast
Wouldn
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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