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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Left
Thinking
Indy
Earlier
Watched
Fast
More quotes by Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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