Quote

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
Indy
Earlier
Watched
Fast
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Left

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
Image
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
Image
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
Image
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
Image
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
Image
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
Image
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
Image
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
Image
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
Image
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
Image
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
Image
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
Image
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
Image
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
Image
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright