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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Earlier
Watched
Fast
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Left
Thinking
Indy

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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I washed mud off of mud.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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