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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Left
Thinking
Indy
Earlier
Watched
Fast
Wouldn
More quotes by Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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