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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Left
Thinking
Indy
Earlier
Watched
Fast
Wouldn

More quotes by Steven Wright

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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright