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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Left
Thinking
Indy
Earlier
Watched
Fast
Wouldn

More quotes by Steven Wright

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright