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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Going
Pull
Think
Environmental
Thinking
Speed
Civilization
Humor
Fun
Funny
Come
Speeding
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
