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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Going
Pull
Think
Environmental
Thinking
Speed
Civilization
Humor
Fun
Funny
Come
Speeding
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
