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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Harmonica
Play
Stick
Going
Sticks
Really
Fast
Way
Car
Window
Humor
Comedy
Harmonicas
More quotes by Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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