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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Escalators
Girl
Buying
Putting
Mets
Clothes
Humor
Slinkies
Comedy
Escalator
Wonderful
Macy

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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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