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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mets
Clothes
Humor
Slinkies
Comedy
Escalator
Wonderful
Macy
Funny
Escalators
Girl
Buying
Putting
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I took a baby shower.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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