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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Escalators
Girl
Buying
Putting
Mets
Clothes
Humor
Slinkies
Comedy
Escalator
Wonderful
Macy

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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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