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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mets
Clothes
Humor
Slinkies
Comedy
Escalator
Wonderful
Macy
Funny
Escalators
Girl
Buying
Putting
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I took a baby shower.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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