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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Didn
Time
Bought
Add
Instant
Humor
Water
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright