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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Didn
Time
Bought
Add
Instant
Humor
Water
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright