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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Water
Funny
Didn
Time
Bought
Add
Instant
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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