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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Didn
Time
Bought
Add
Instant
Humor
Water
Funny

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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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