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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Instant
Humor
Water
Funny
Didn
Time
Bought
Add

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright