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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Add
Instant
Humor
Water
Funny
Didn
Time
Bought

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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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