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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Instant
Humor
Water
Funny
Didn
Time
Bought
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More quotes by Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright