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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Circular
Driveway
Neighbor
Humor
Comedy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
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What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright