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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Driveway
Neighbor
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Circular

More quotes by Steven Wright

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright