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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Circular
Driveway
Neighbor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright