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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Bank
Hour
Saws
Humor
Hours
Funny
Much
Bankers
Time
Banking
More quotes by Steven Wright
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright