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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Hours
Funny
Bankers
Much
Banking
Time
Bank
Hour
Saws
More quotes by Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
