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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Much
Bankers
Time
Banking
Bank
Hour
Saws
Humor
Hours
More quotes by Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
