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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Much
Bankers
Time
Banking
Bank
Hour
Saws
Humor
Hours
More quotes by Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
