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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Power
Department
People
Stores
Twenty
Twenties
Yesterday
Escalators
Humor
Selflessness
Comedy
Trapped
Funny
Store
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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