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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Twenties
Yesterday
Escalators
Humor
Selflessness
Comedy
Trapped
Funny
Store
Power
Department
People
Stores
Twenty

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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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