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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Twenty
Twenties
Yesterday
Escalators
Humor
Selflessness
Comedy
Trapped
Funny
Store
Power
Department
People
Stores

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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