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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Trapped
Funny
Store
Power
Department
People
Stores
Twenty
Twenties
Yesterday
Escalators
Humor
Selflessness
More quotes by Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
