Quote

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Store
Funny
Department
Power
Stores
People
Twenty
Twenties
Yesterday
Escalators
Selflessness
Humor
Trapped
Comedy

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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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