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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Twenty
Twenties
Escalators
Yesterday
Selflessness
Humor
Trapped
Comedy
Store
Funny
Department
Power
People
Stores
More quotes by Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
