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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ran
Suddenly
Street
Walking
Streets
Humor
Eyeglasses
Comedy
Prescription
Funny
Prescriptions

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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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