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Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Solitude
Pressure
Humor
Funny
Hermits
Peer
Peers

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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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