Quote

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Unauthorized
Autobiography
Humor
Inspiration
Funny
Writing

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
Image
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Image
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
Image
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
Image
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
Image
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
Image
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
Image
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
Image
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
Image
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
Image
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
Image
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
Image
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
Image
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
Image
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
Image
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
Image
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright