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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Autobiography
Humor
Inspiration
Funny
Writing
Unauthorized

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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright