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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Writing
Unauthorized
Autobiography
Humor
Inspiration

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright