Quote

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Unauthorized
Autobiography
Humor
Inspiration
Funny
Writing

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
Image
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
Image
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
Image
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
Image
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
Image
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
Image
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
Image
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
Image
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
Image
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
Image
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
Image
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright
Image
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
Image
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
Image
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
Image
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright