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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Executive
Executives
Advertising
Saws
Second
Humor
Funny
Business
Subliminal

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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I took a baby shower.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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