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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Business
Subliminal
Executive
Executives
Advertising
Saws
Second

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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