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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Went
Funny
Borrow
Money
Bank
Going
Sugar
Cups
Asked
Humor
Comedy
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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What do batteries run on?
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright