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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Borrow
Money
Bank
Going
Sugar
Cups
Asked
Humor
Comedy
Went
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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