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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Asleep
Hands
Falls
Humor
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Hate
Fall
More quotes by Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I took a baby shower.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
