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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Hate
Fall
Night
Asleep
Hands
Falls
Humor
Comedy
Hand

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright