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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Asleep
Hands
Falls
Humor
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Hate
Fall
More quotes by Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
