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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hand
Funny
Hate
Fall
Night
Asleep
Hands
Falls
Humor
Comedy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright