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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fall
Night
Asleep
Hands
Falls
Humor
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Hate

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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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