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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fall
Night
Asleep
Hands
Falls
Humor
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Hate
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright