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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Hand
Funny
Hate
Fall
Asleep
Night
Falls
Hands
Humor

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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright