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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Car
Humor
Stop
Funny
Tires
Dizzy
Tire
Driving

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright