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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Car
Humor
Stop
Funny
Tires
Dizzy
Tire
Driving

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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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