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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Weird

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright