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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Weird

More quotes by Steven Wright

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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright