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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Really
Wake
Letters
Humor
Comedy
Hospitality
Lasts
Stayed
Last
Letter
Funny
Hotel
Night
Sent

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright