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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Mime
Shoot
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Use
Going
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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