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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Use
Going
Would
Mime
Shoot
Humor
Comedy
More quotes by Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
