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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Use
Going
Would
Mime
Shoot
Humor
Comedy

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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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