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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Going
Would
Mime
Shoot
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Use
More quotes by Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
