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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Funny
Use
Going
Would
Mime
Shoot
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
