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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Going
Would
Mime
Shoot
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Use

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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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